My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I intend to get homeless drunk
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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