We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
