Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
