I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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