yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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