The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
