Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
