I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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