and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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