Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
