Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
