I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
