Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
