I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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