OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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