I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
