dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Pants are for mortals
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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