these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
ok first of all what the fuck
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
