too bad you live with your parents still
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
