I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
