Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
