My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Randomize
