so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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