don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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