You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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