u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
