idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
