Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
