You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
