I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I need moral support for this bender
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
