if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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