Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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