So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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