Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
