my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The best revenge is premature balding
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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