The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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