It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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