my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
