why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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