you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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