You made me cry and you don't even care
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
