You can't special order awesome
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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