Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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