I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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