I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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