How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
