allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
