I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
