Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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