it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
